Wife, Ambien not seeing eye to eye

Posted 3/11/18

To The Editor:My sister, who is a nurse practitioner, doesn't like the fact that I have been prescribed Ambien to help me sleep. She constantly tells me horror stories about things people have done …

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Wife, Ambien not seeing eye to eye


To The Editor:

My sister, who is a nurse practitioner, doesn't like the fact that I have been prescribed Ambien to help me sleep. She constantly tells me horror stories about things people have done while under the influence of this drug.

Apart from the man who ordered 20 pizzas and met the delivery guy while in his underwear, I don't see the big deal. Sure, I shaved my eyebrows off one time, but there were extenuating circumstances.

I'll explain.

You see, I had what is called an eye tag growing on one of my eyelids; that is to say, a little piece of skin that grows out and hangs down for no apparent reason. This is common in people growing older, and my sister had told me she would remove it free.

However, Ambien and I were talking one evening when Ambien brought up a good point, "Are you going to let your overachieving nurse practitioner sister cut that eye tag off, or are you going to show her that you can take care of yourself? Don't we have that $60 razor with six blades that can do the trick?"

Ambien's argument seemed valid and I saw no flaws in his plan at the time, so I proceeded with the operation. Needless to say, my wife was distracted  by a telephone call and had left me unattended. 

Ambien and I were feeling pretty confident about ourselves as the warm water flowed over the razor to sterilize the instrument. Then, I held down my eyelid with one hand while Ambien guided my other hand with surgical precision, and began shaving the eye tag.

As with every major operation, there arose a complication. During the procedure, the razor had removed some of the eyebrow above the eye on which Ambien had been focused. So, we held a consultation about how best to proceed.

We concluded that if we shaved the same amount off the other eyebrow, we could escape any detection. So, we shaved a little off the other eyebrow; however, we shaved a little too much and needed to go back to the eyebrow that started it all.

Now, I'm not exactly sure how this next part happened, but that eyebrow was shaved completely down the middle. This left me with three eyebrows and only two eyes. It was at this point we became desperate.

Ambien heard my wife ending her phone call and alerted me to the pending danger. With firm resolve, we decided that we shave all the eyebrows off completely, then jump into bed and pretend we were asleep. My wife was none the wiser that night!

But, as it always comes, the morning brought new light and a clearer understanding of how Ambien and I may have been hasty in our decision. I awoke and got into the shower to start my day. When the water hit my chafed eyelids and forehead, I screamed in pain.

My wife, hearing the alarm, ran to aid me in my distress. She pulled back the shower curtain and there I was in all my glory. She immediately noticed the missing eyebrows and began the interrogation. She was not amused at my predicament, and had no pity.

I tried to guilt her with the Bible using Scripture that best fit me at the time. She would have none of it and made me wear glasses until my eyebrows grew back.

For two weeks, my wife would not look me in the face. Finally, as the eyebrows started budding, she slowly forgave me.

Then, last night Ambien and I were talking again and it appears that we placed a bid on eBay for a book on Pagan rituals which we seem to have won. 

If, for any reason, I am missing when you [the editor] receive this letter, focus the investigation on my wife.

— Chuck Martin



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