STORIES OF A WORLD GONE MAD

What’s so very wrong with a little pillow talk?

Commentary

Barry Currin
Posted 9/8/17

We bought new bed pillows a few weeks ago.

I didn’t really want to because I loved my old pillow. While it had grown old and lumpy, I liked it because I could twist it like a pretzel to get just …

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STORIES OF A WORLD GONE MAD

What’s so very wrong with a little pillow talk?

Commentary

Posted

We bought new bed pillows a few weeks ago.

I didn’t really want to because I loved my old pillow. While it had grown old and lumpy, I liked it because I could twist it like a pretzel to get just the firmness I needed.

It was hard to part with — much like a favorite pair of jeans or a first car.

Kim and I went to one of those stores that specializes in things like bedding, towels and other household stuff; you know the one. They have everything from silicone spatulas in 14 shapes and sizes to massaging chairs.

I had no idea pillow shopping was so complicated. I was expecting to go in, pay about $10 and leave with my new pillow.

Oh, no. It doesn’t work that way.

They do have $10 pillows tossed about in four or five big wire bins.

But our pillow sales specialist swooped us away from the common pillows in favor of the fancy pillow section as soon as she approached us.

“What kind of pillow are you looking for?” she asked.

What kind of a question is that? I’m looking for one that is already broken in, comfy and costs $10.

They had all kinds of pillows — feather pillows, down pillows, contour pillows, foam pillows, just to name a few.

“Do you sleep on your back, your stomach, or are you a side sleeper?”

That’s a thing, too, I learned. The type of pillow perfect for your precious little noggin depends on how you sleep.

After she gave us a brief lesson on pillow technology, our pillow sales specialist started pulling the demo pillows off the shelf one-by-one and explaining the unique features of each.

They all felt about the same to me. As I squeezed them, I was more concerned with how many pillow shoppers before me had squeezed and even possibly pressed their face into them.

I’ll bet even some of the riffraff who buy pillows from those big wire bins had even wandered over to see how the other half lives at one time or another.

Our pillow sales specialist bragged on their hassle-free return policy. She said we could exchange them after up to two weeks.

With that knowledge, I started paying more attention to the packaging to make sure I wasn’t getting Chester Somebody’s reject pillow.

I decided on a memory foam pillow that had some kind of magic power which is supposed to keep it cool. Needless to say, my $10 didn’t go very far, but I’m not going to buy another pillow … well, ever, so why not splurge?

Sadly, I wasn’t taken with it right from the get-go. I couldn’t twist it like a pretzel. It was a little flat, and it was too firm for me to put it on its edge.

I nicknamed it Spam, because it was shaped like a big can of Spam.

That didn’t work very well, because saying, “Goodnight, Spam” just made me hungry every time I got into bed, so I changed its name to Slab.

Slab is huge. One wrong move, and everything goes flying off the nightstand. If anyone ever challenges me to a pillow fight, Slab and I will clean house.

On the upside, I had always wondered what memory foam meant, and now I do.

It means you’ll always remember your trusty, lumpy old pillow.

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(About the writer: Barry Currin runs BeaverDamUSA.com, a humor, sports and entertainment website. Email him at currin01@gmail.com. “Stories of a World Gone Mad” is published weekly.)

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