STORIES OF A WORLD GONE MAD

What will Sussex do without its Duke?

BARRY CURRIN
Posted 1/17/20

By now, we’ve all heard the big news out of England that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, plan to step back from their royal duties and split time between the old …

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STORIES OF A WORLD GONE MAD

What will Sussex do without its Duke?

Posted
 
By now, we’ve all heard the big news out of England that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, plan to step back from their royal duties and split time between the old country and Canada.
 
As you might imagine, this has everyone’s knickers in a twist at Buckingham Palace — especially when the duke and duchess said they wanted to become more “financially independent.”
 
We heard stories last week about crisis meetings and calls between Prince Charles, Queen Elizabeth and other royals.
 
For one, I’m worried about the good people of Sussex. I wonder how such a move might impact them. I’m sure the first phone call in Harry’s absence will go something like this:
 
“Hello, this is the office of the Duke of Sussex. How may I help you?”
 
“Um, might I speak to his royal highness, please?”
 
“He’s not here. I’m afraid the chap is in Canada.”
 
“Well, to whom do I need to speak to about getting a pothole fixed in front of my flat?”
 
“Um, that may be a problem, good sir. You know, Harry used to do that himself, and he took the keys to the asphalt truck with him.”
 
“To bloody Canada?”
 
“I’m afraid so, sir.”
 
And so on, and so forth.
 
Harry and Meghan want to leave the nest which sounds logical for any young couple until we start thinking about just how plush that nest is.
 
The royal family is worth upwards of $88 billion, plus all the other spoils at the monarchy’s disposal, which are virtually infinite.
 
As it stands now, they can travel anywhere in the world, stay at only the most lavish places and have someone at their beck and call 24 hours a day.
 
All that, plus you get to be a prince and princess, which has got to come with even more cool stuff than most of us can even imagine.
 
I wonder what they will do on their road to financial independence?
 
That typically means getting a job.
 
Can’t you hear the guy down at the employment office?
 
“It says here you’re a prince.”
 
“That’s correct, sir.”
 
“And you’ve listed Paul McCartney and Elton John as references.”
 
“Sir Elton John and Sir Paul McCartney, that’s correct.”
 
“Do you guys ever jam?”
 
“Jam? Pardon me, I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
 
“You know, jam, like play music. Rocket Man, Hey Jude. Does Elton ever toss the keyboard in the back of the Chevy and head on down to Sussex?”
 
“We have our own grand piano, sir.”
 
“I think it’s possible you mean had your own grand piano.”
 
At this point, Meghan can be heard whimpering just a little. And Harry braces for the question he knows is coming.
 
“What kind of experience do you have?”
 
“We’re quite proficient at fundraising.”
 
“Hmmm. Let me see here. Fundraising, fundraising, nope, I’m afraid I filled my last fundraising job yesterday. And it was a doozie, too. What else you got?”
 
“We attend royal engagements quite frequently.”
 
“Oh, that changes everything! Formal or semi-formal?”
 
“Formal, good sir.”
 
“Heads of state or just garden variety ambassadors and dignitaries?”
 
“Heads of state.”
 
“Ever done a ribbon cutting?”
 
“Sir, I am the Duke of Sussex.”
 
“Well, duke, I do have one opening.”
 
“What is it, sir?”
 
“Have you ever worked with asphalt?”
 
———     
                                                 
(About the writer: Barry Currin is founder and president of White Oak Advertising and Public Relations, based in Cleveland. “Stories of a World Gone Mad” is published weekly. Email Barry at currin01@gmail.com.)
 

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