I have a breaking news announcement: Due to the icy conditions as of Monday morning, you will not be reading the column I originally intended to write.It would have been a humdinger, too.I was going …
I have a breaking news announcement: Due to the icy conditions as of Monday morning, you will not be reading the column I originally intended to write.
It would have been a humdinger, too.
I was going to poke fun at the school systems for closing — yet again — based on weather forecasts ... before the first nugget of frozen precipitation had ever fallen.
All during the night, I came up with zinger after zinger. I even cracked myself up out loud a couple of times.
This was the plan: After I had finished teasing everyone concerned, I was going to treat you all to a couple of stories about how we always went to school back in the day, regardless of how slick, deep or cold it was.
Yes, I know I’ve talked about it before. Then again, Jimmy Buffett plays “Margaritaville” every night, but I digress.
Some time after 5 o'clock this morning, I looked outside to make sure the deck was still as dry as a bone. It was.
Then I looked to see if school had been canceled. It had been.
No school. See you Tuesday. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
I was thrilled. Tinker Bell didn’t have squat on me as I skipped back to bed to catch a few more winks before I would arise to create the piece that would get me one step closer to one of those late-night TV comedy talk-show gigs.
Then an hour or so later, I heard the heat pump making a funny noise. This noise sounds like someone threw a sack of limestone gravel into the fan.
It makes this noise in icy weather, because the fan gets ice on it since it inexplicably points out the top instead of out the side.
I don’t know what numbskull designed it like that, and I can’t worry about that now, because it is currently sleeting, and my perfect column is effectively frozen under a half inch of ice.
Meanwhile, all the little kiddos are still snug in their beds.
And I’ll bet Tinker Bell doesn’t have squat on the school officials and weather forecasters who are skipping around the room right now and sipping hot chocolate.
I’ve got to hand it to the weather forecasters, because they have been on a roll lately.
They correctly predicted the last two weeks of this ridiculously cold and windy arctic blast. Then they got it right — just about down to the hour — when the freezing rain was supposed to start this morning.
I’m a little perplexed, however, why schools got called off while my deck was still dry, because the school systems get burned lots of times when they cancel based on a forecast. Maybe the school officials around here merely decided to keep rolling the dice and trusting the forecast.
Or, maybe they had some other kind of inside information.
I should probably call them up before the Super Bowl and ask which team they like.
I say good call, weather people. Good call, school people. It was slick from my frozen heat pump to Interstate 75, and everywhere in between.
I still have all those zingers in my head, though, ready to go at a moment’s notice.
But today, the joke is on me.
(About the writer: Barry Currin is founder and president of White Oak Advertising and Public Relations, based in Cleveland, Tennessee. “Stories of a World Gone Mad” is published weekly. Email him at email@example.com.)
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