By COLBY DENTON
The disappearance of eggnog in the Christmas Elves' headquarters has reportedly sparked a cold war with the Cookie Elves, due to the species' natural mistrust of one another. Christmas is almost …
The disappearance of eggnog in the Christmas Elves' headquarters has reportedly sparked a cold war with the Cookie Elves, due to the species' natural mistrust of one another.
Christmas is almost here, and eggnog is a staple of any elf's diet; but, this year the seasonal drink is running low at a much faster rate than in the past.
"Christmas Elves without eggnog are like Halloween with no pumpkins — it's just not done!" stated Head Elf Cornelius.
He claims that the sweet holiday beverage began running low about the same time the Cookie Elves ramped up their production of cookies for the holidays.
"Those Cookie Elves think that toys aren't as important to kids as cookies are. Really? I'd like to see them play with a cookie for more than five minutes," said Cornelius. "Cookies are good and all, but toys are where it's at. "
Believing the Cookie Elves to be jealous of their annual day off on Christmas, their Christmas counterparts have unofficially joined a cold war among magical creatures.
"I, for one, am not surprised that those gluttons up at the North Pole ran out of eggnog," said Head Cookie Elf Chip. "Everyone knows that Santa eats cookies and drinks milk, not eggnog. I'm sure they did it to themselves and just drank it all."
Santa Claus, Jolly Ole Elf/CEO of Christmas Eve Distribution, has refused to comment on the situation.
Both sides of the conflict have been caught by the other spying on production methods and meetings, which has led to apprehensions on both sides, according to a source familiar with the situation in both camps.
"Last week we lost our best spy, Jingle," Cornelius said. "I'll bet they are tickling him until he gives up our toy-making secrets."
In an exclusive interview, the Cleveland Daily Banner was given special permission to enter the Cookie Elves' holding cell and interview the captured spy, Jingle.
"I can't believe they caught me. I had on my leather hat, cookie crumbs in my beard and everything! I looked like I was born in a tree just like all the cookie elves," Jingle stated.
It appears that the Christmas spy was hacking into the Cookie Elves' mainframe searching for information on the eggnog crisis when he was discovered.
"I will say, while the more tropical weather is nice, the number of elves falling into peanut butter vats and eating their own products is ridiculous! OSHA would shut them down for sure!" asserted Jingle.
"I knew he wasn't a Cookie Elf. He hardly had any chocolate stains on his palms," Chip said as he held up his browned hands.
Christmas Elves, with their pressed suits and perfect hats, seem to show a bit of disdain for their baking counterparts.
"We need this eggnog back. Our workers can't get enough Christmas spirit without it to go around! I bet those Cookie Elves' chocolatey prints are all over this crisis," Cornelius said.
Since the days of recorded time, Christmas Elves have worked for Claus with zero turnover. Cookie Elves aren't as well-known, as they achieved popularity through trademark deals and children's commercials. Regardless, both sides stand firmly behind their products and professions.
One species of Christmas Elf does not live at the North Pole; instead, it rests on the shelves of all children in the world.
"Those 'shelf elves' are weird," said Cornelius. "I know they didn't take our eggnog because they never eat. They never sleep. They just stare and are downright creepy."
This species of elf typically lives in human dwellings and comes in a box at stores.
While no physical casualties have been reported, tensions are high in the magical realm.
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, reported feeling weak due to his rationed eggnog.
"I don't know what caused this shortage, but if I get my hooves on them, they'll have a blue Christmas for sure," he said.
Eggnog provides 30 percent of Christmas-themed creatures' diets, while the rest include 20 percent candy cane, 20 percent fruitcake and 30 percent cookies.
"We may depend on those Cookie Elves for part of our diet, but that doesn't mean we can't eat something else!" Cornelius stated angrily.
According to Cornelius, if captured, a Cookie Elf spy can expect to be held in the reindeer stables until released.
Chip stated that any captured Christmas Elf, like Jingle, will stay in an undisclosed tree.
Christmas can't go on without the cooperation of these two species, but the outlook appears bleak.
The North Pole is open 364 days per year, excluding Christmas. The Cookie Elves' trees operate 365 days per year, a fact they like to rub in the Christmas elves' faces.
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